running (and my journey to 42k).

journey [juh-nee] | origin: old french

• (noun.) a long and often difficult process of personal change and development.

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If you know me, you know that one of my hobbies is running. It’s something that I do at least once a week, whether it’s an easy 5km or a workout on the track. While long-distance running is something I’ve only ventured into in the last few years, running in general has always been a part of my life. From running in the park playing ‘ice and fire’ to sprinting during school events, running has been integral to my daily life, no matter what form or shape it took.

But it wasn’t until I got to university that I took up running for the most common reason: to lose weight. Especially when I was younger, I've always struggled to maintain a healthy weight. My relationship with my own body and with food was hanging by a thread. Even as an adult, I find it difficult to think positively about the shape and size of my body, even more so the food that went into building the body I have now.

At the time, healthy eating and calorie counting could only do so much. So I turned to running. It was the most economical sport I could do as a broke university student, as all I needed was a pair of dinky old running shoes and a relatively flat road that I could loop around. It also helped that no matter what I put in the search bar, Google always responded with ‘running’ as one of the best ways to lose weight.

So I ran.

And boy, running is excruciatingly frustrating.

Something always hurt every time I ran, whether it was my calves, my thighs, my nose, or even my lungs. I kept burning myself out during each run because of how hard of an effort I put in each time. And with each consecutive run, I’d try to run longer and faster out of sheer frustration that I wasn’t getting any fitter. I could barely run 5km for a long time without feeling like everything was burning up simultaneously. All I wanted to do was collapse onto the grassy sidewalk so my head would stop spinning and my heart would stop beating so fast.

It took me around 3 years of this vicious cycle where I'd commit to running regularly for a month before getting demotivated and resorting to months of self-loathing and calorie counting as the alternative.

Fast forward to 2023, my friends and I signed up for a 21km half marathon. At the time, I had never run a 5km in my life. The goal of 21km seemed impossible – almost like a mountain where, if I looked up, I could barely see the peak. All I saw ahead of me was endless gravel streaming upwards into the sky. Essentially a hill with no end in sight.

With registration fees on the line and the fear of not getting a finisher medal despite slogging for hours on the road, I knew I had to train my body at least a little bit to finish within the cut-off time. Albeit inconsistently, I followed a rudimentary training program for a few months. Wearing the same dinky old running shoes and sweat-wicking polyester shirt that I’ve had since secondary school, my running journey began.

Running then slowly became a larger part of my life. It wasn’t something I did anymore to lose weight, instead, it was something I did so I could achieve more with the body I was gifted with. Because of running, I stopped obsessively calorie counting. Because of running, my view of food had altered drastically. Because of running, I saw food as fuel, not punishment. Because of running, I am immensely grateful for my body and what it can do.

When I tell people that I run long distances, they often gawk at me, partly in awe and partly in horror that I subject my body to such torture. But for me, running (as disgustingly sappy as it is) changed my life. Running and being physically able to run long distances has done so much for me mentally and physically. Despite a busy schedule, injuries, and other commitments, I want to keep running for as long as I live. I want to continue to run long distances and push my body to its limits. I want to know how far I can run and continue this lifestyle before my body starts breaking down. And running is fun when you do it with the right people.

Now comes my journey to 42km. I have yet to run my first marathon, but I did sign up for one slot in October (yikes). Until then, it’ll be a series of interval workouts, long runs, and strength training to prepare my mind and body for the 5-hour race. When I achieve this milestone, I hope that I will continue running as many marathons as possible and with the people I love being around the most.

With that said, I love running. But not every day and not every run. Sometimes it can be a slog. Sometimes it can be physically painful. And sometimes I’m just too goddamn lazy to lace up my shoes. As I write this, I am dreading the run I’ve committed myself to do tomorrow morning. Goodbye.